Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm feeling stormy today... Sort of

You know those blogs (and I apologize if yours is one of them) that list what mood the person is in? Sunny, Stormy, etc.... Well, those usually irritate me. I cant really say why, but sometimes I look at that description next to the word "MOOD:" and I think to myself... "Ehhh ... who cares?"

Well, by now, I'm sure you've gathered that I'm in "a mood" today. And yeah ... it's pretty stormy! And men -- before you go any further -- be warned that this is a girlie post with female "stuff" in it ... so run away now ... or don't whine, because I'll say I told you so!

For the past few months, I've been having "break through bleeding." This is common with women taking the birth control pill (no lectures, please ... I take it for medical reasons ... obviously not to prevent pregnancy since I am a recovering infertile!). Break through bleeding is normal, and will often resolve itself -- but if it doesn't -- then it is usually a simple matter of switching to another pill with either higher estrogen or higher progesteron content.

Any men with me still? Because I did warn you ... Also, ladies ... if you don't like getting personal, you too may want to move on too!

In February, I started spotting at the end of the month. In March, it was heavier in the beginning of the month, light in the end of the month, in April, light in the beginning of the month, and then ... this past weekend ... Satan slammed me! I had horrible lower back pain, abdominal pain, heavy spotting, light spotting, no spotting, etc. I have felt light headed for the past month and a half, and quite exhausted, at times, going to bed right after my son (at 8:00!).

So I finally made an appointment with my OBGYN. When I arrived, he looked at me and asked me, "what do YOU think is happening?"

"Well," I said, "My common sense tells me I probably have a cyst on my ovary. But ... if I didn't know better, I'd say I was having another miscarriage, but I know that's not possible, because I've been on the birth control pill since November." [ha, ha ... I was joking around with him ... a good thing to do with your OBGYN while being examined, right?]

So he examines me. And looks at me and says ... "I don't feel any cysts, but your uterus in slightly enlarged and mushy."

And I, ever so articulate, just looked at him and said, "Huh? What does that mean?" He replied, "This is common with women right after they have a baby."

Now, I look at him, and say (with a slightly raised voice), "But, that was 7 months ago!" And calmly, gently, he says to me, "I want to draw some blood and take some tests. Now, I don't want to freak you out... it's probably nothing. But I'm going to order a pregnancy test. It could be a miscarriage, it could be a cyst, or it could be something else."

"WHAT?!" Uh, yeah ... he had to peel me off the ceiling. "How is that possible? I have been on the birth control pill!" He asked a few more questions, and I informed him that I had been sick in February and had taken an antibiotic. "Well, GiBee, you know that many times, an antibiotic can render the pill ineffective, but like I said, it's probably nothing. It's probably a small cyst that I can't see. We'll call you later in the week to let you know what the test says. Also, I want you to go for a mamogram."

NOW I'm starting to freak. I'm only 38. I say to him, "I thought I had a few more years until I had to do that!" And, calmly, he replies... "I know, but I want to get a baseline for you. But, don't worry, I didn't see anything that alarmed me or caused concern. But, your [paternal] grandmother had breast cancer, and I want to get a head start on your mamograms." (I don't even know what a baseline is in mamogram talk ... all I know is ... it's gonna hurt. And it's not gonna be fun, people! Sheesh, and I worry about flat hair ... there are many other things I would prefer NOT be flat!)

Then, when I went out to the nurses station to collect my paper work, I saw the ticket for the blood work. There were a lot of things checked, and I didn't understand any of them. And I said, "Is this for my blood work?" (Obviously, YES, because my name was on it) He casually leaned over, then picked up the paper, laid it on top of my chart, placed his hand over it and said, "yes, I'll make sure it gets with your vials of blood."

I wonder if he realizes how much he really DID, in fact, FREAK ME OUT!

Now, I just taught at the women's retreat about fear, worries, and laying them down at God's feet and walking away from them. About trusting the Shepherd's Heart ... Something I personally struggled to do the entire time I battled with infertility, up until the very last month before I got pregnant when I finally gave it all to God.

And here I am again! Worried. Anxious. And performing Dr. Google searches and self diagnosing. And what I'm finding is unsettling. It's the "C WORD" -- Uterine Cancer. Cervical Cancer. Ovarian Cancer. And ... Breast Cancer. Practically every woman's fears!!!

Sure ... in the back of my head are my doctor's reassurances that all is well ... this is common ... it's probably nothing ... don't freak out ... But in the forefront of my head I'm thinking ... something is wrong ... I'm "enlarged" ... and not just in my stomach, hips and butt where I expect to see middle age spreading and enlarging ... but I'm enlarged inside ... that can't be good!

Now ... what is it I have to do with my worries? Lay them where? How? Why?

*Insert BIG Sigh here* Many times in my life I've had worries. And I've carried them around. And, MAN! They can get heavy and exhausting. So, isn't it time I take a bit of my own advice? Learn from past experiences? In fact, when I laid my worries at Christ's feet and walked away from them, he swept them away from my heart, and actually removed my fears from my mind. I mentioned briefly yesterday about doing just this and I thought I'd give you a bit more background on that expression.

A dear friend of our family used to live in this area, but ironically, has moved to Oklahoma, and is probably the only person in that state that doesn't blog! Any way, she is a breast cancer survivor, and she shared a wonderful, wonderful analogy, and basically, with a few embellishments on my part, here it is: she said we tend to carry our worries, fears, anxieties around in a suitcase (baggage ... get it?). Sunday morning, we lug our heavy suitcase to the altar, pop it open, and all or our life's "messy things" in our overstuffed suitcase pop out ... we pray, pray, pray -- asking God to take our "issues" -- and then -- we neatly stuff (or maybe cram in some instances) all our issues back into the suitcase, and lug it back to our seat with us. Then, when we leave church, we take our suitcase with us and carry it around every waking minute, all week long. Protecting them. Obsessing over them. Sharing them with others, but not letting go of them.

Oh, yeah. I can see that. Can you?

Instead, we should be taking the suitcase to God, opening it up, dumping it at God's feet saying, "Here God ... this is all my stuff ... take it from me" (okay, maybe a little more politely) and then WALK AWAY. With OUT the suitcase ... 'cause, really ... you shouldn't need it any more!

So easy to preach, and in reality ... difficult to practice.

In the mean time, while I was typing this post, my husband called. I shared with him all my worries and fears. I teared up and had to stop. He immediately started to pray for me and encouraged me not to worry until we have something to worry about. Smart man!

Okay -- *big, BIG SIGH* No more searches on Google. No more obsessing. I'm turning all my worries to the Lord, and I'm walking away.

So, I started this post feeling stormy and frightened. Now, a mere HOUR later, I'm just cloudy and partly sunny.

Ps. 57:1:

"Be good to me, God--and now! I've run to you for dear life. I'm hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over."
(The Message)

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."
(NIV)

28 comments:

Shalee said...

Gibee,

The same God that caused the Red Sea to split, caused the sun to stand still, and raised Christ from the dead is the same God who will carry you through this situation. Plus, you have a number of good prayer warriors who will be lifting you up to God. So relax, take a deep breath and remember that God is on YOUR side. And with Him, you have no need to be afraid.

And I'm right there with you on the mammogram deal. They'll be baselining me too very soon. I'll be praying lots and lots at that time too. And I'm going out for a hot fudge sundae afterwards because I'll need it.

kpjara said...

Immediately as I read this I thought of this verse for you...I'm glad your FEELING better BTW! AND all the really GOOD people end up in Oklahoma LOL!

Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, and my safe place, and the One Who takes me out of trouble. My God is my rock, in Whom I am safe. He is my safe-covering, my saving strength, and my strong tower."

kpjara said...

oops I forgot 1 thing...

Being ONE of the elder and more mature women in the blogdom: I had my "baseline" squishing when I turned 40 and my nerves were shot by the time I approached the clamp of death...and it wasn't even as bad as when my nephew steps on my feet in basketball! So don't fret and don't believe everything you read and hear...it's NOTHING!

aggiejenn said...

A Prayer for you from Stormie Omartian's _A Book of Prayer_:

"Lord, You are the light of my life. You illuminate my path, and I will follow wherever You lead. Protect me from being blinded by the light that confuses. Help me to always identify the counterfeit. I depend on You to life up the light of Your countenance upon me (Psalm 4:6). Thank You, Lord, that because You never change, Your light is constant in my life no matter what is going on around me. Shine Your light through me as I walk with my hand in Yours. I give this day to You and trust that the light You give me is just the amount I need for the step I'm on."
Praying for you!

Peach said...

I am praying for you, too!

shannon from rocks in my dryer said...

Gibee, you are not only carrying around the burden of worrying, but you're carrying around GUILT for being worried. Is it normal to be fearful when uncertain things happen? OF COURSE. When your son is frightened would you scold him for being afraid, or would you scoop him up in your arms and let him cry until he felt better? Certainly, you would do the latter. Instead of beating yourself for feeling normal human emotions, just take them to your Father in all honesty, and know that He'll hold you just the same way you'd hold your own child.

And in the meantime, know that I'm praying.

flipflop said...

STAY OFF THE INTERNET (except to blog of course)!! This is what my hubby tells me when I start to freak over stuff. I tend to read into more that what is actually happening. Remember I'm the biggest worry wart around. I wasn't really shouting at you either. What is flathair?!? Oh - and I'll be praying for you! Lots of ((hugs))

Heth said...

Praying Gibee.

Susan said...

There just are no words for me to say right now. I wish I could give you a great big hug. Know that I am praying for you.

Susanne said...

Sending a big hug thru the wires. Ya feeling it? And know that we are praying & lifting you before the Lord. God is good & is right beside you! And I agree with Shannon. What your feeling is emotions anyone would have. Don't feel guilty over them on top of it. Take them to your Father & let Him love on you. Immerse yourself in Him (and not Dr. Google) I had the squish thing done, and after worrying myself into a stomachache for weeks, it wasn't that bad.

Faith said...

I am praying for you sweet friend! I have a mommogram coming up also - I'm way behind and my Doc IS NOT PLEASED> Oh well! I'm just scared senseless - what can I say?

You are in my prayers.

Kristen said...

Uh, oh. I have one of those irritating mood indicators on my blog.

Jeremiah 29.11 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding....."

I know it's hard. Very hard. It's always scary when we feel like there might be something wrong with our health.

Pray, pray, pray, and leave that baggage and do your best to trust in our gracious God.

And I will pray for you, too.

I find often that when I worry the most, that is when there is the least to worry about.

But I can understand your fears. Completely.

(P.S...it was great to see you over on my blog yesterday. I can understand how things can get crazy and hectic. I've missed ya!)

Sheri said...

So sorry you are stressed right now. Like you said, put that suitcase at God's feet, he much more capable of handling it than you are.

As far as the breakthrough bleeding. From what I understand going on the pill, then off the pill can make you extremely fertile at that first moment you are off (or on antibiotics) so a miscarriage would make sense.

As far as the mammogram goes. I've had one, not really painful at all...just uncomfortable. From what I understand the errr...less endowed you are...the more painful it is. I don't know your particulars (Like that word? LOL) but it may not be so bad. Seriously, don't listen to all of the horrible things you hear about them. They aren't that awful.

I'll be praying for you.

Morning Glory said...

Also as one of the 'older set' in this little blogdom of ours, I've been enduring mammograms for at least 15 years now. I usually stare out the window (no, you can't see in) and try to pretend I'm somewhere else.

A wise woman once said, "Lay them at the Shepherd's feet and walk away without them." I'm praying for your peace of mind and heart, dear friend.

Be still and know that I am God.--Psalms 46:10

Addie said...

Girl you just came down from the mountain top and now you're being attacked. I think we might have talked about this last week during Joy, when talking about Elijah. My notebook is upstairs, but I think she talked about how this often happens. Spiritual attack after God uses us mightily. (Think of how Elijah called down fire from heaven, then became fearful at death threats right after.)

Anyhoo, Girl my prayers are with you. I know how worrisome these things can be! God's got ya!

Onya!

Chilihead2 said...

GiBee, hugs to you my friend. Good, solid, I'm-not-going-anywhere hugs.

Angie said...

HI, I just came across your blog by chance tonight and I am glad I did. I am 35 and hadn't been to the doctor in quite a long time, except to have babies and my youngest is 5. I started to have tummy problems so after about 2 years of, ugh, pain I finally found a doctor and went for a physical. I think that he sent me to get every test done that he could think of. (Perhaps to punish me for taking so long to see a doctor.) He said that I would need a mammogram. I totally freaked out. "Why? Did you find something? What is it? I am only 35. Why, what, where, and how?" Thank the Lord that everything turned out perfect. As far as the mammy goes, not so bad. I was so scared when I went in there I thought that I would throw up. The lady was so nice and very "gentle", as far as gentle can be while smooshing your boobie between 2 cold metal plates. :) But it really was not as bad as all the horror stories I had heard. And by the way, the doctor said that they are suggesting woman start getting them at 35.
I will say a prayer for you tonight and hope that all goes well. I will definitely be back!

Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

Oh dear sweet Gibee, I will be praying for you. And please try not to worry too much. (I say this although I am the BIGGEST worrier on the entire planet - no really I am - ask my family)

I had a terrbile cancer scare when my son was just about two. It was horrible. Rushed tests, a couple weeks of worrying and praying and crying my guts out. It was horrible. As a mother, any fears of dying early are multiplied exponentially. (All mothere should live till their babies are at least 25. There should be some natural law.)

But, it turned out to be nothing. Just as I am sure yours will be as well.

It does sound like maybe a miscarriage doesn't it. Which I know will also be so hard as well.

I am totally praying for you friend.

And listen to Shannon from Rocks... - she has some good insight on that point!!

PS - I always got to the Internet and freak out further too. It is so hard not to!!

Carol said...

GiBee, I am here to tell you that you are no longer allowed to worry about this. You have no lab results, you don't even know what all was ordered, but I tell you that even routine labwork can be a lengthy list sometimes. Most gyn-type problems can be treated even if we abhor the treatment, but all this fretting fixes nothing. Personally, I think a miscarriage is the worst news you could get right now, having BTDT myself.

So, that's my job. To tell you to stop all this worrying. Open up that suitcase, pray over it, then leave it there and walk away. There'll be a whole 'nother suitcase full of stuff to lug to the cross by this time next week. Always is for me.

Oh, and I'm also here to tell you that mamograms are no big deal. A pelvic exam is worse, in my opinion.

All that to say, Love ya!

Sandra said...

Gibee honey, I'm praying for you. I know how difficult this must be right now and if you've read my blog, you know how I worry about everything and constantly say I will put it in God's hands, only to YANK it away because I continue to worry about it.

I had a little scare myself only 2 weeks ago, found some lumps on my breast etc. Long story short, before I went to the appointment with the doctor I was a nervous wreck, I couldn't stop worrying about it. I finally had to put my foot down and tell myself to REALLY put it in God's hands and this time, let it be.
Everything was ok and everything turned out fine.

Hang in there, we're all praying for you.
Sending huge hugs and loads of strength to get throught this :)

Perri said...

Praying for peace and good news. I am a Mammogram Survivor. It hurts for all of about 10 seconds. Then you can go home and play it up all evening and your husband will baby you based on the horrid things he has imagined you had to go through. Let him.

HolyMama! said...

I had a HUGE scare few years ago. I won't go into the details, but several specialists thought it was most likely cancer. I was sent for a biopsy. My husband prayed and prayed. I didn't. I was numb. I had little faith, I suppose. When they tried to do the ultrasound guided biopsy, it was gone.

This was NOT the sort of thing that would just be 'gone.' Not at all. The surgeon had me come back in because she didn't believe it.

That's the God we know. He's in control. He loves and adores you, GiBee.

momrn2 said...

Gibee... What more can I say that these women have not already shared? I have had my own scares and even talks recently of what they call "preventive mastectomy" just because of all the history of breast cancer in the women of my immediate family. The thought still sends me into shock to think of having that done "just for preventive measures"!!! and I'm only 33!!

Dear friend, I can't hardly even imagine what you must be feeling right now. I for one am going to commit to carrying this burden for you to His feet in prayer EVERY DAY!! So, you let go of it... I've got it for you!

Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs friend!!

Stacey said...

I am praying for you!! I'm not sure that there is much more I can say to make things easier. You are an awesome woman and I know you'll get through this!! I'm with Addie on this one... you just got back from a big mountain top experience and the evil one is trying to break you down. Just remember who is really in control!!

RANDI said...

I will be praying for you! Yes, trusting God is easier said than done but it is worth fighting for! He will give you the stregnth you need for this time!

momrn2 said...

Just stopping by this morning to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you... And, to leave you this:

Is. 41:10(Msg)Don't panic. I'm with you.There's no need to fear for I'm your God.I'll give you strength. I'll help you.I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

And then, just a few verses later:

Is: 41:13-14 (Msg)...I, your GOD,have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, "Don't panic. I'm right here to help you."14...Don't be afraid..I'll help you.I, GOD, want to reassure you...

Praying for your Prodigal said...

Gibee,

I echo each of these commentators thoughts! You are covered in prayer my dear blogging friend! We've got your back! And so does He!

I've just posted my daily post: When it feels like there is nothing you can do! I won't repeat myself here--but I know you know! Prayer is doing! Partnering with God...is the amazing! Remember too: Psalm 139! "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, you eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!"

Father God--Bless Gibee in a very real way today! Release her normal anxieties--replace them with your thoughts for her! Let her know that you know each day of her life personally! I pray that your power: your power to create, your resurrection power, your healing power....will surround her today--Be with her in a very special way today, LORD, I pray.

Blessings--my blogging friend!

Diane

Kim from Hiraeth said...

Prayers are going up before the Throne. God is good.

Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ concerning you.

The will of God in Christ: what a comfort to know that there is NOTHING that comes into our lives that is apart from His perfect will concerning us. Even the hard things are from Him and are expressions of His love and desire toward us that we become more and more conformed to the Image of Christ.

May God grant you comfort and courage in this trial and may you rest in His lovingkindness.

He is the Good Shepherd who both leads us in the way and follows closely behind us and compasses us about on every side.