Thursday, March 30, 2006

Well, I May Have the Holy Ghost, but I'm NOT PERFECT!

Yeah ... well ... just so y'all don't think I walk on water or anything... I thought I'd share.

But first, I must let EVERYONE know that all the teasing, moaning, and complaining about Lauren was all TONGUE IN CHEEK, people! I love her dearly, and I feel like I may have gone a wee bit too far... Sorry, Lauren! I really am. MWAH! (See? Maybe I do walk on water... NOT!)

So example number one: Private Road Rage. I'm certain we ALL know what I'm talking about. Oh, you can pretend you don't, but WHY is it you're not fooling me, because I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible Study, and the SPIRIT IS TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW ... telling me that I'm not the only one with Private Road Rage. Here's what happened. I'm driving along, minding my own business, and OH! I stop at a red light. I know, I know... you're all wondering, "well, that's not so strange... most people stop at red lights." Well, you're wrong. People over the age of 100 DO NOT stop at red lights, and feel that you shouldn't either, because I guess you're holding them up, so they honk, honk, honk, and HONK their horn at you until the light turns green. So, you inch up into the intersection (making a left turn, people), wait for the on-coming traffic to come on, and the 100 year old man starts laying on his horn like there is no tomorrow, and FRANKLY... if he doesn't SHUT IT, there MAY.NOT.BE.A.TOMORROW in his very near future. So, being the Godly Christian woman I am, and seeing that I am filled up and down with the Holy Ghost, I practice SELF CONTROL. Remember how to do that in sign language... okay... do it real quick as a reminder. So, with the infinite self control that I now posses, I slllooooooowwwwllllly (very slowly) creep through the intersection. Not because I HAVE to, but, well ... because he has TICKED ME OFF and I WANT TO, OKAY? Yeah, well, my zippy 100 year old driver tears off around me like a bat out of.... sorry. Self control. Self control. Then, as I'm turning right into the shopping mall that has a drive-thru Starbucks (my next stop), a car from on-coming traffic feels like it wants to come-on and tried to cut me off with a left turn ... into MY turn and then when he couldn't, stopped in the middle of the intersection as close as he could (yeah, a HE) and tried to pressure me to hurry up. Uh, I don't think so! Rome wasn't created in a day, so you'll have to wait your turn, buddy! This Godly woman's got the right of way, and if you think my left hand turn to get here was painfully slow... WATCH THIS.

Now see? That's PRIVATE ROAD RAGE. I am displaying a Godly face and a serene smile as the 100 year old driver rips past me, and I'm nodding kindly with a smile on my face to the person trying to cut me off, but inside... I'm privately raging and displaying it with MANNERS, people. They don't need to know that I'm purposely driving extra-snail-paced-slow on purpose to annoy them!

Next - we have a luncheon today for a man that has been with this company for 30 years. I don't know this man from Adam, but free food? Sure. I'm there. And it was good, too... but what is it with people? I mean... you see a bowl for the potato salad, and you see a bowl for the ice. Now, WHAT WOULD POSSES YOU to place the potato salad SPOON in the ice bowl? Did you think we needed an extra helping of onions with our ice and soda? Did you? It was most likely a man. See? I think evil thoughts. Yeah, well, God forgive me anyhow, because I know that any man reading this, which would mean you have to DELURK, would agree with the stereotype that men don't care what stuff tastes like individually because it's all going down to the same place anyhow. So, whoever it was... thanks for ruining my SO-DA.

And, speaking of lunch at work ... you know what? I just don't care HOW bloated you're feeling... there really is NO PLACE in the work force to be sharing GAS with your co-workers. Especially if you're over 40. Shame on you. You should know better. And saying "excuse me" after each and every stinking time is not gonna cut it. So -- STOP IT! NOW!

And finally, as one last example that God isn't finished with me yet ... just in case there was any doubt about that ... When I went out to get into my car this afternoon so I could get my Cafe Mocha at Starbucks, I got out into the parking lot and couldn't find my car. Now, I know I was very late to work today, because they had an entire street blocked off for a bad accident, so I didn't park where I usually park, but how could my car just disappear? So, I started to walk the parking lot... and let me just say... I don't drive a cute little bug like you'd find over at Queen Beth's House... No. I drive a big ol' honking (and if I could remember the word I learned at Jeana's I'd use it now) Expedition... White. Not easy to miss. So, I finally got to the back few rows of our parking lot, and low and behold... there it is. Right behind that Humvee-3. So apparently, they pay SOMEONE that doesn't have a reserved parking spot enough money to get one of those "look at me" cars. And... it's taller than mine. Who would have thought? Aaaaand ... just so you know... they come equipped with BARCODED vehicle identification numbers. Now, that's just too scary and BIG-GOVERNMENT-like (look at me ... pretending to look like I know what that means!) Well ... I guess your money has to go towards SOMETHING new and different and unique, doesn't it?

So see? [OH MAN! That's just gross... I just sipped up a piece of onion in my soda. Apparently, using the ice scoop doesn't guarantee you won't get pieces of onion in your ice. That's just nasty!]

Anyway -- so see? God's FAR from finished with me yet!


kpjara said...

Dear Lord in heaven...I can hear the order now: 1 Coca Cola, w/vanilla syrup, easy ice, and 2 onion chunks to go please...GRODY to the MAX! (stepping back to the 80's)...then GAS too!

Are you sure this event was about some employee that had been there 30 years and not just some sick way for Mr. "Big" to sit and watch you all on corporate-cam coughing up onions and burping and farting the 'so-called' food you ate?

I mean, what in the world was the potato salad doing by the ice for drinks anyway...if they were trying to keep it cool to prevent food poisening...maybe it wasn't the soda ice anyway?? I'm just so disturbed by the whole thing...and SO thankful I HAVE to go home at lunch each day for the "girls" (Mimi and Bubba)! THe prospect of dining with the barbarians is more than I can is enough for me!

I ONLY do the Christmas party because of etiquette and all...I hope this won't bring Rotovirus memories back...

Lauren said...

First of all, I am not a hundred years old, I'm 43. Secondly, I am not a man, I am a woman. Thirdly, I knew you were driving slow on purpose, making me late to work and THAT my friend is exactly why I laid on the horn like I did. Where'd you get your license? Walmart???? :)

Love you too!!

Chilihead2 said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for taking on my day. Because of generous people like you I can now skate through my day problem free.

Here's hoping you get a better one tomorrow!

mommy to four j's said...

That was seriousley funny. I hope your day gets better tom.

Kate said...

Enough said. Let me guess... you live in the DC metropolitan area? I mean, this is just the way people drive there. I know!
Great post - at least you can make a rough day sound funny! Holy Spirit and all! :) Amen!

flipflop said...

WHOA!! You and I are WAY too much alike. I'm in shock right now of how much we are alike. Come move beside me please.

Peach said...

I was laughing so hard I had to share this post with my sweet DP. He thought it was hilarious, too.

Rachelle said...

In my defense, my husband's road rage is worse than mine.

Heth said...

Yeah, but wasn't that Cafe Mocha a ray of sunshine in the middle of it all?

Coffee makes people happy.

shannon from rocks in my dryer said...

I saw your comment over at...well, I don't remember where it was now, but it was your comment about how you're going to have to get Site Meter. My friend, you MUST, must get Site Meter. It will take your blogging addiction to a whole new level.

Addie said...

Nothing get's me worked up more than moron drivers! Glad to know I'm not the only one who still needs a little help in this area!

Jeana said...

Bohonkus. Works for the car and the gassy guy.

Oh, and excuse me.

Sheri said...

Oh what a day!! Hope things go better today, if not save some of that onion and breathe it on people.

GiBee said...

kpjara -- God needs to REACH DOWN and touch this man. That's all I have to say about gas. And can I just say ... if there's a corporate-cam, then whoever's watching it must loooooove their job!

Lauren -- no, silly woman -- I got my license at Kmart. Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference in quality? Jaclyn Smith Driving school, thank you very much.

Chilihead2 - my pleasure -- my pleasure. Anything to make a friend's day easier!

Mommy to 4 J's -- thank you for your well wishes for Friday ... but with my luck??? Ehh -- who knows.

Kate -- YES! YES! YES! What, are you a mind reader? I live in the subs, and let me just say -- traffic (please turn head to this word) SUCKS in this area. Totally. You NEED the Holy Spirit just to get to work!

Kris -- trust me when I say -- I want to live anywhere but where we live -- this area is downright expensive and totally over populated. People need to learn to cross.their.legs or something... but sadly, hubby won't leave his family. Something about love, or something like that.

Peach - GASP! You exposed me to a man?!? Oh, I'm so embarassed! -- NOT! hehehe

Rachelle -- yeah ... right... that's what they all say ;-)

Heth -- the Cafe Mocha would have been just perfect ... if I didn't spill it all over my light ping tank with jeweled neckline (so pretty) and on my wooden floor and dining room table, and mail... ALL OVER MY COLDWATER CREEK CATALOG! AAAHHH! Maybe I was being punished for my flipant attitude towards the Holy Spirit.

Shannon -- I'm working on it even as we speak! I totally need a new addiction, because it seems like I just don't have enough addictions in my life!

Addie -- TELL ME ABOUT IT! Try living where I live ... you would go nuts!

Jeana - Bohonkus. Bohonkus. Bohonkus. Bohonkus. Bohonkus. Bohonkus. Bohonkus. Okay -- I will TRY to remember this most awesome word. Bohonkus. Hmm -- My butt is Bohonkus. Yeah -- that works.

GiBee said...

Sheri! When did you pop on here??? I must have been posting the same time you were and the screen refreshed when I actually posted!

Y'know what's so great about today? It's Friday! Yeah, Friday. And... I get to sleep in until 7:30 tomorrow. Yeah, Saturday!!!

Chaotic Mom said...

Is this your LBY update for the week? ;)

Man, oh, man, this post was HILARIOUS! I'll be practicing Private Road Rage from now on. Much nicer in front of the kiddos.

Shalee said...

HS was right (as usual). You are not alone with the Not Perfect part. I yi yi... We are so alike it is down right SCARY!

I received a video clip (Media Player) yesterday and if anyone knows how to post it, I'll do it so that everyone can laugh. Otherwise, Gibee, check your email to see why you should be careful about honking at the elderly!

Morning Glory said...

You keep me laughing, girl!

Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

So busy emailing with you and doing this Bible study, I missed this post yesterday. What a riot!

Please tell me it isn't true about the coworkers passing gas! Say it ain't so!!!


GiBee said...

Oh, yeah ... ALL true -- no exaggerations what so ever. Just another day in MY LIFE!

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter what I drive...I still get lost in the parking lot. Thanks for the link love by the way!