Monday, April 10, 2006

No, really? You thought I was perfect?

Haaaa haaa haaa haaaaa haaa!! What, do I have to prove to you that I'm not???

Last week, I had two major AAAHHH HHHAAA! Moments. The second one was about speaking at our women's retreat... the easier of the two to blog about.

The first one ... was a bit more difficult to talk about publicly ... so what the hay? ... Let's talk about ... Earthly Desires and ... REPRESSION ...

Yes, Let's!!! (and forgive me if I repeat my self... crossover is just too easy!)

Everyone probably has them (earthly desires), but what's more important is ... I have them. And the funny thing is ... Beth Moore has a way of jumping out of her video at me from where ever in the world she's talking ... and locks her big eyes with just ME and makes me feel like she's only talking to me... and it made me stare at my screen like an idiot thinking, "My stars! How does she know what is in my heart?!?"

I know... you're all probably gasping in HORROR at the thought that I am not perfect, but rather, have Earthly Desires being repressed in my heart... but I do. And what made me feel better is... Beth taught me how to RID.MY.SELF.OF.THEM. Freedom once and for all, Hallelujah!

First, let me lay out on the table just a few of my earthly desires. I am a people pleaser... oh, how I want everyone to like me. And when we first moved into our neighborhood two years ago, I was acutely aware of that desire popping it's ugly head out. You see... my father is a recovering alcoholic ... 38 years of sobriety, praise God! I'm so proud of him.

Because alcoholism is an ugly, ugly disease, and because you never know when it will rear it's ugly head, I never really drank. I did in social settings, because I just wanted to be cool. And honestly, I like the taste of a well-made Pina Colada... but I also like the taste of a NADA Colada and can do without the alcohol. I gain nothing from it. I don't crave it, desire it or want it. But... all the people in my neighborhood drink. A lot. And find it socially un-acceptable to NOT have alcohol at a function.

I felt pressured the first time I invited the ladies to my home to serve a wine cooler type of punch. I researched them on line, wrote down my list of ingredients I would need, casually mentioned it to my husband, and he ever so tenderly and lovingly replied, "under NO circumstances will you bring alcohol into our home for your gathering. They have a problem with alcohol, and I won't be a part of aiding them with their problems. If they can not be friends with us regardless of the fact that we DONT drink then we don't need their friendship. Set yourself apart, dear." OW! Gee, thanks honey!

What a party pooper! And... when my neighbors came over and asked for some wine, you can bet I blamed it all on my "mean" husband. And at the other gatherings we've been to, I've been invited to drink, but have declined ... "out of respect [said with clenched teeth] for my husband."
Shame on me. Even this past summer I found my self saying this and putting down ... MY HUSBAND for his beliefs, people! The head of my household! The man GOD GAVE ME... the person I run to with all my life's little boo boos ... the man that LOVES me and respects me and treats me like the most precious thing he owns! And why? Because I'm a people pleaser ... and I HAVE REPRESSED! Shame, shame, SHAME on me!!!

Moving on... (yes... there is more) -- you see -- I like pretty stuff. Lot's of pretty stuff. Shiny, pretty, sparkley stuff. Clothing, purses, shoes, jewelry, china, serving platters, glasses... Oh, heck... I just like it all. And, when we were newly married, (long time ago, mind you) I would spend. Spend, spend, spend... even if our bills didn't get paid. In fact, our home was almost foreclosed on because of my irresponsible spending habits. And why? Because.I.wanted.it. My husband would AGONIZE. Threaten to divorce me, fight with me, and lay awake with sleepless nights because I was recklessly spending all our money -- I would talk badly about him, just so I would feel better about myself. I simply became a Homewrecker ... and why? Well, for a lot of reasons, but one of them was just so I could feed my addiction to ... stuff ... (read this post and this post). I am no longer reckless like I once was, Praise God! But I still get urges every now and then, and find myself on a shopping binge (about 2 times each year) ... Why? BECAUSE I HAVE REPRESSED!

Okay ... if you aren't shocked enough by my confessions ... I have one more. I watch Desperate Housewives. There. I said it. Out loud. As I was typing. I am so ashamed of this, because I know the show is trash, but I have found myself addicted to it! HELLO! It's a TV show for crying out loud, and I'm ADDICTED TO IT. I tape it. I wait for it with baited breath and watch it in the secrecy of my bed room. And I don't let many people know I watch it. See something wrong here? I do... REPRESSION. Soooo not a blessing to God!

So, I'm sure you're asking yourself... "Why is she airing out all her dirty laundry to us?" Well, because we all have hidden sin. Things we are ashamed for people to know. Things that we try to hide so deeply that we think we slipped it past God and we're headed for home plate free and clear.

But guess what that does? It causes build-up in my life. A nasty, ugly, slimy build up of sin. So, when I sin again, it gets easier to justify. To hide. To live a fairytale life that I'm perfect and noooo ... that's not horns you see popping out of my head... that's a new head band I'm sporting! Yeah right. God sees right through that.

Beth Moore said that if (now listen to this... because it walloped me right in between the eyes...) "if we are FULL OF OURSELVES, we can't walk FULL of the HOLY SPIRIT, because PEOPLE [I added that] -- they can NOT co-exist... Self and the Holy Spirit."

Okay ... so one's gotta go. Gee, which one? The Holy Spirit? Or my fleshy desires? That's a tough question!!! Yeah, well ... listen to what else she said... "NOTHING sin can give us is worth (are you ready for this?)... is worth what it is taking away from us in order to have it." Oh, my ... I ... can't ... breath. But it only gets worse! (or better...)

She said that we latch on to sudden, irrational urges (my shopping, nay, spending addiction) and suddenly, we're living in deep regret (uh, yeah... a foreclosure and divorce can lead to DEEP regret pretty darn fast!).

So, what does it all boil down to? Okay... move in closer, adjust yourself into a more comfortable position, because I'm going to lay it out in a crystal.clear.format...

I need to WANT God to get me at my heart's desire... I need to STOP pressing desires down... I need to ask God to give me NEW desires ... HIS desires... in other words ... REPRESSION, bad -- CHANGE, good --- Irrational Behavior, bad --- Godly desires, good!!!

So, my public confession is just that ... public ... and doesn't really amount to a hill of beans... but I've prayed in my private quiet time that God would remove all my junk ... from the very core of me ... and replace it with HIS OWN desires... and fill me with his soothing Holy Spirit ... and coat me from the inside out with the balm that heals all the gaping raw wounds from my yucky, icky junk that I've been repressing... just waiting for it to rear it's ugly head again. NO MORE! I have been purified, sanctified... and the Holy Spirit dropped a whole load of 'Liquid "Holy Spirit" Draino' down my pipes and flushed me out. Praise God!

CAN I GET A WITNESS?!?!? (thanks for that little line, Faith!)

So, do you remember the Beth Moore quote I put in my Living Beyond Yourself post last week about living in victory? No? Well, here it is... just to refresh your memories...

Living in the Spirit is all about living in victory on this planet, in our bare feet, on the hot pavement of living!

And now that I've been flushed... and have total infilling of the Spirit ... I can do just that... live in Victory ... in my bare feet, on the gooey, hot, sticky pavement of living, and I know... that I can go to him DAILY and ask him to remove my junk and purify me. It will get easier as the days go by.

And, won't my husband be ever so relieved! ;-)

24 comments:

Susan said...

GiBee,

Thank you for sharing...
I think we are all more alike than you think.

(And I also am addicted to Desperate Housewives. But I don't think it is that bad, because it is so over the top that it is just funny.)

Talk soon,
Susan (Janice's techie twin)

kpjara said...

Beth Moore is quite the teacher isn't she!

Sounds like things are progressing and soon you'll have a newly 'washed' and renewed perspective!

Blessings...you go girl!

Susanne said...

So exciting to read what God is doing in this study you ladies are taking! And the timing! Your getting all nice & clean so God can move thru you at your ladies retreat! Only God can have perfect timing like that! Almost makes you want to laugh out loud in pure joy!! I wish I could attend this retreat 'cause something powerful is gonna go on!

Morning Glory said...

Thanks for that wonderful post. You said some really valuable things for any of us to think about.

Faith said...

GiBee, You are wonderful! I once was a little bit of a spender myself. I love a NADA Pina Colada too. Are you my lttle sister? Always wanted one ya know.

Oh- I can sure be your witness!!!!! Drano and i are on a first name basis!! ;D

shannon from rocks in my dryer said...

Wonderful GiBee, as always...thank you so much for posting this, and for making me feel oh-so-guilty for blogging about catalog shopping... :)

Perri said...

Hidden things - be it sin or whatever - I was posting about the very subject today. How strange.

great post

Sheri said...

Wow! What a wonderful heart felt post.

I'll tell you a secret. About a month ago I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy. It was the day someone (NOT a Christian) really called me on it and practically slapped me with it that I realized "I" shouldn't be watching it (Apparently my husband referring to it as "Ho's Anatomy" wasn't enough of a wakeup call for me). The thing was I was ADDICTED to that show. But I haven't even missed it! See how God just gave me that peace. I was fine turning it off.

Anyway, regarding Desp. Housewives, my husband says "Well you can watch that one, at least they are married, they are just pretty much brainless bimbos though..."...so yeah, don't watch that either, this time I listened to him and although he didn't directly say "don't watch it" the brainless bimbos comment was enough for me to realize I didn't need it.

Peach said...

Such good words, GiBee. I used to be a Desperate Housewives junkie. My hubby actually put the kids to bed on Sun. nights after Extreme Home Makeover so I could watch in peace. How crazy was that?

Yet, I got a wakeup call one day when an acquaintance of mine shared that she and her husband have quit watching anything she'd be embarrassed to have her children catch her watching. Big conviction for me.

Now, my two favorite shows are AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) and Extreme Home Makeover. We watch others, but most are also well within the safety zone of child-friendly viewing.

Sure makes a difference when I am watching shows with my children in mind. Though I don't think some shows are "bad" in and of themselves, what they intrinsically portray goes against my deeply-held convictions. I just remember my mom saying so often when I was growing up, "Garbage In, Garbage out." She was right!

jenn said...

You had some awesome points here, I love how much ENERGY you have! So delightful and refreshing. I am going to run down a quick list of things you said that grabbed my attention:

1. I too feel like Beth is locking eyes with me from across that screen...But it isn't "her" it is HIM through her...

2. I too am guilty of respecting my husband "through clenched teeth," ew!

3. I too used to be a spend-a-holic!

Whew, I literally winded by you! Are you from the south too? My husband is totally loving that Beth Moore is from Houston, his home town!

Janna said...

I loved this heartfelt post. As Susan said, "I think we are all more alike than you think."

And...I shamefully have to admit that I am also a Desperate Housewives addict! :)

Shalee said...

Gibee,

I read about the earthly desire part and thought you were going to talk about sex... My bad.

Good for you! The hardest part about confessing is that I feel like I am on trial, but it is amazing how much better I feel when I get it out and especially find out that I am not alone.

Just remember that these trials and temptations are all part of our becoming pure for God in heaven. Jesus went through every temptation that we go through, but he remained sinless. That should give you encouragement!

(Well, maybe not the Desperate Housewives... but he did have a naked woman brought before him... so maybe he had Desperate Housewives, the reality.)

momrn2 said...

Oh Gibee, I just love you! Thanks for being so vulnerable and open. We all have these "earthly desires" we struggle with but I don't recall many of us being bold enough to step out and share them! Sure makes us all think about them though! I have, once again, been challenged to my inner core. Thanks (I think ) :-)

Dabbling Mum said...

Awesome testimoney. You'll touch so many lives with your heart being so open for the world to see.

Mary said...

Amen! I love the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I think he does this by making OUR desires, HIS desires. (I just posted about it yesterday, in fact!)

I also watch Desperate Housewives and am a little embarrassed by it, but you know what? I think the Lord took away my desire to see it! My husband was shocked when I didn't rush to turn it on last night. I can ONLY give God the credit for this one!

Carol said...

Well GiBee, I could tell by your typing for all these many past posts that you're not perfect. Okay, just kidding here, right?

Seriously. Admitting to your junk is the first step to letting the HS Drano do it's work. Most people would rather just pretend their junk is okay. "The Bible doesn't say anything about not watching Desperate Housewives, so it must be okay. You're interpretation of Philippians 4:8 doesn't apply to me."

If He convicts you of something, it's always best to take Him seriously. He knows what each of us can/can't handle.

Caution: it would be really tempting to get all legalistic and judgemental towards others who watch...whatever. We have to give 'em some grace, okay?

Lauren said...

Whaaaaaaat, you own a television? Well I never!

I didn't fool you for a minute did I? Darn!

Can't say I ever saw DH but I've been known to watch a few shows that really don't display the same moral convictions that I hold. When I'm serious about leaving them behind, God has always been faithful to answer my prayer for him to remove my desire. What an incredible God we serve?!

Fairytales and Dreams said...

GiBee,
Thank you for being so open with all of us. The blogging world brings me so much joy to be nakedly truthful. I am glad that you could share yours with us!

Your positive attitude and humor have made me smile this morning...and I haven't had a full cup of coffee yet!

Take Care...M

flipflop said...

Only God can help to overcome these earthly desires. He has helped me in some and some, well...I'm still working on turning them over.

I was going to post about one of mine the other day, but God led me in a different direction. Maybe when the time is right.

GiBee said...

Susan -- Sadly, I have found that the funniest shows that I loved to watch foster worldly values... homosexuality, alcoholism, adultry, pre-marital sex, murder... And doesn't it figure that all of those things are on Desperate Houswives? I should have taken my cue when my Pastor told me that he and his wife used to watch it until their KIDS (middle-school aged) called them on it!!!

KPJara -- Soon, there won't be anything left to wash out! I'll be bare nekid!

Susanne - Hmmm ... I guess I never looked at it like that ... getting nice and clean so God can move thru me! You know what??? I have the same feeling... something powerful is gonna go on with our little group of 12!

Morning Glory -- Sometimes I wonder exactly how much of myself I should share with the public!!! Thank goodness it's just you!

Faith -- I think we ARE lost sisters! As long as I can look as gorgeous as you do, then I'm all for it!

Shannon -- WHAT? Get out girl!!! I love catalog shopping (or catalog "window" shopping), and I can relate to your post as if it were me! And, for crying out loud... not every post has to have a Spiritual Drano theme!

Perri -- Thinking alike, are we??? The Holy Spirit is working over time!!!

Sheri -- Did you see my comment to Susan above? Yes well... there's a whole lot more than just a bunch of bimbos going on in that show... subtle, and not so subtle!

Peach -- I LOVE Extreme Homemakeover!!! What a worthy show! And, (GULP) I'll have to keep your policy of watching shows with my children in mind... Did I happen to mention Will and Grace anywhere? Ugh. My husband really convicted me on that one! And it's so stinking hillarious, but Satan was using that show to draw me a little further away from God! Lord forgive me anyhow!

Jenn -- YOU ARE SO RIGHT on your first point... it's HIM! Hmmm... clenched teeth ... not so respectful, huh? Yay to recovering spend-aholics!!! Go us!! (I'm from just south of the Mason-Dixon line... technically -- yes, I'm southern... with a SLIGHT twang (now hurry!!! Try and figure out where I'm from!)

Janna -- Yep! We are, after all ... all women! And we are all wired alike, dontcha know!

Shalee -- Sigh... Sex ... I must admit ... I love "discussing" that topic ... with my husband! Not you! Sorry! OH MY! I love your comment about Jesus, a naked woman, and Desperate Housewives - the reality show! Girl, you CRACK ME UP! (but so true, huh?)

MOMRN2 -- I LOVE YOU TOO! Just my own struggles... I wasn't trying to point the finger at anyone!

Dabbling Mum -- Welcome to Kisses of Sunshine! Thank you so much for your encouraging comment. And, can I just say... I LOVE the design of your website "The Dabbling Mum Writes" -- the Dragon Fly is one of my favorites -- so cute -- can't wait to go through your web site and read your stories!!!

Mary - I have been trying to post a comment on your blog since yesterday, but for some reason, I can't get to your comment page... I just wanted to let you know that your post DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD from Sunday, 4/9/06 ... well, it was simply wonderful and fell very close to my heart. You are so right with your comment from Beth Moore that when God says no, it's because he has a bigger YES! Your post touched me very deeply. Praying for you!

Carol -- Oh, my!!!!! I didn't mean to sound like I was judging anyone else... it was just MY convictions that I was writing about... I totally agree with you on not getting legalistic and judgemental towards others! You know what? You are someone who's feet I could sit at and learn, learn, learn!!!

Lauren -- I'm praying for a LOT of desires to be removed... daily. Eating is one of them... well, you know what I mean... OVEREATING! But, yes, God has always been faithful to remove my desires... I just never saw it the way Beth laid it out... I realized I really to repress a lot and hope it somehow "goes away!" Ugh! Lot's of work going on in this here temple!

Fairytales and Dreams -- You know what? It doesn't matter how spiritually mature you are... There's always some scrubbing that can take place to keep us shiny and new before our Lord!!! Glad you're smiling!

Flip Flop -- I have stuff -- okay -- JUNK -- that God is still working on, too. I don't think the buff and shine procedure will ever really be over ... do you???

Anonymous said...

Oh my! Have I struggled with the TV thing....until I heard my pastor say something similar to one of the posters- If you feel like you have to hide it from your children, then you shouldn't watch it. Then I would think- would I even want my children to watch it as adults! This was a hard one for me. I could watch TV all hours of the day....which is why we don't own one. I'm glad we don't, because now when I go to my parents, and it's on...things that I wouldn't even notice, actually shock me. I also once heard on the radio- If you wouldn't invite that behaviour into your home....why would you watch it? Really made me think. Even movies! I mean, that's all my husband and I did for dates! But....we realized we were walking out of more movies than watching. Plus we had friends that struggled with pornography and were honest about the temptations in movies, so I asked my husband if that were true for men....of which he replied, "yes." I really had NO idea what men were tempted with every day, all day long! Enough of that. What a fun blog.

Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

Another GREAT post girl!

I am quite fond of Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy. I am so sorry! It is true.

I suppose I shouldn't be watching them - I agree with what Beth said about how when she needed to rid herself of certain stuff like soap operas and romance novels, so she could clear out the temptation in her life. Unti lshe said that, I thought the TV shows were pretty harmless. Maybe I was wrong...

eija said...

Found you somewhere, I don't know how, but I've been lurking here for a while now. And just wanted to know that I linked to this post in here.

I really like your blog, and want to thank you for writing especially this entry, even if it wasn't so easy to read... *blush*

sarahgrace said...

I'm rather late, but yes, you have a witness in me. I can really relate to being a people pleaser. I am moved by you sharing all your hidden sins, and have begun to think about mine, and examine some of the things I do more closely. It is kind of funny, but I asked God to show me things I need to ask forgiveness for and repent of (because I couldn't think of any)- and your post has been used by Him to help me with that. Thanks so much for sharing.