No, really? You thought I was perfect?

Haaaa haaa haaa haaaaa haaa!! What, do I have to prove to you that I'm not???

Last week, I had two major AAAHHH HHHAAA! Moments. The second one was about speaking at our women's retreat... the easier of the two to blog about.

The first one ... was a bit more difficult to talk about publicly ... so what the hay? ... Let's talk about ... Earthly Desires and ... REPRESSION ...

Yes, Let's!!! (and forgive me if I repeat my self... crossover is just too easy!)

Everyone probably has them (earthly desires), but what's more important is ... I have them. And the funny thing is ... Beth Moore has a way of jumping out of her video at me from where ever in the world she's talking ... and locks her big eyes with just ME and makes me feel like she's only talking to me... and it made me stare at my screen like an idiot thinking, "My stars! How does she know what is in my heart?!?"

I know... you're all probably gasping in HORROR at the thought that I am not perfect, but rather, have Earthly Desires being repressed in my heart... but I do. And what made me feel better is... Beth taught me how to RID.MY.SELF.OF.THEM. Freedom once and for all, Hallelujah!

First, let me lay out on the table just a few of my earthly desires. I am a people pleaser... oh, how I want everyone to like me. And when we first moved into our neighborhood two years ago, I was acutely aware of that desire popping it's ugly head out. You see... my father is a recovering alcoholic ... 38 years of sobriety, praise God! I'm so proud of him.

Because alcoholism is an ugly, ugly disease, and because you never know when it will rear it's ugly head, I never really drank. I did in social settings, because I just wanted to be cool. And honestly, I like the taste of a well-made Pina Colada... but I also like the taste of a NADA Colada and can do without the alcohol. I gain nothing from it. I don't crave it, desire it or want it. But... all the people in my neighborhood drink. A lot. And find it socially un-acceptable to NOT have alcohol at a function.

I felt pressured the first time I invited the ladies to my home to serve a wine cooler type of punch. I researched them on line, wrote down my list of ingredients I would need, casually mentioned it to my husband, and he ever so tenderly and lovingly replied, "under NO circumstances will you bring alcohol into our home for your gathering. They have a problem with alcohol, and I won't be a part of aiding them with their problems. If they can not be friends with us regardless of the fact that we DONT drink then we don't need their friendship. Set yourself apart, dear." OW! Gee, thanks honey!

What a party pooper! And... when my neighbors came over and asked for some wine, you can bet I blamed it all on my "mean" husband. And at the other gatherings we've been to, I've been invited to drink, but have declined ... "out of respect [said with clenched teeth] for my husband."
Shame on me. Even this past summer I found my self saying this and putting down ... MY HUSBAND for his beliefs, people! The head of my household! The man GOD GAVE ME... the person I run to with all my life's little boo boos ... the man that LOVES me and respects me and treats me like the most precious thing he owns! And why? Because I'm a people pleaser ... and I HAVE REPRESSED! Shame, shame, SHAME on me!!!

Moving on... (yes... there is more) -- you see -- I like pretty stuff. Lot's of pretty stuff. Shiny, pretty, sparkley stuff. Clothing, purses, shoes, jewelry, china, serving platters, glasses... Oh, heck... I just like it all. And, when we were newly married, (long time ago, mind you) I would spend. Spend, spend, spend... even if our bills didn't get paid. In fact, our home was almost foreclosed on because of my irresponsible spending habits. And why? Because.I.wanted.it. My husband would AGONIZE. Threaten to divorce me, fight with me, and lay awake with sleepless nights because I was recklessly spending all our money -- I would talk badly about him, just so I would feel better about myself. I simply became a Homewrecker ... and why? Well, for a lot of reasons, but one of them was just so I could feed my addiction to ... stuff ... (read this post and this post). I am no longer reckless like I once was, Praise God! But I still get urges every now and then, and find myself on a shopping binge (about 2 times each year) ... Why? BECAUSE I HAVE REPRESSED!

Okay ... if you aren't shocked enough by my confessions ... I have one more. I watch Desperate Housewives. There. I said it. Out loud. As I was typing. I am so ashamed of this, because I know the show is trash, but I have found myself addicted to it! HELLO! It's a TV show for crying out loud, and I'm ADDICTED TO IT. I tape it. I wait for it with baited breath and watch it in the secrecy of my bed room. And I don't let many people know I watch it. See something wrong here? I do... REPRESSION. Soooo not a blessing to God!

So, I'm sure you're asking yourself... "Why is she airing out all her dirty laundry to us?" Well, because we all have hidden sin. Things we are ashamed for people to know. Things that we try to hide so deeply that we think we slipped it past God and we're headed for home plate free and clear.

But guess what that does? It causes build-up in my life. A nasty, ugly, slimy build up of sin. So, when I sin again, it gets easier to justify. To hide. To live a fairytale life that I'm perfect and noooo ... that's not horns you see popping out of my head... that's a new head band I'm sporting! Yeah right. God sees right through that.

Beth Moore said that if (now listen to this... because it walloped me right in between the eyes...) "if we are FULL OF OURSELVES, we can't walk FULL of the HOLY SPIRIT, because PEOPLE [I added that] -- they can NOT co-exist... Self and the Holy Spirit."

Okay ... so one's gotta go. Gee, which one? The Holy Spirit? Or my fleshy desires? That's a tough question!!! Yeah, well ... listen to what else she said... "NOTHING sin can give us is worth (are you ready for this?)... is worth what it is taking away from us in order to have it." Oh, my ... I ... can't ... breath. But it only gets worse! (or better...)

She said that we latch on to sudden, irrational urges (my shopping, nay, spending addiction) and suddenly, we're living in deep regret (uh, yeah... a foreclosure and divorce can lead to DEEP regret pretty darn fast!).

So, what does it all boil down to? Okay... move in closer, adjust yourself into a more comfortable position, because I'm going to lay it out in a crystal.clear.format...

I need to WANT God to get me at my heart's desire... I need to STOP pressing desires down... I need to ask God to give me NEW desires ... HIS desires... in other words ... REPRESSION, bad -- CHANGE, good --- Irrational Behavior, bad --- Godly desires, good!!!

So, my public confession is just that ... public ... and doesn't really amount to a hill of beans... but I've prayed in my private quiet time that God would remove all my junk ... from the very core of me ... and replace it with HIS OWN desires... and fill me with his soothing Holy Spirit ... and coat me from the inside out with the balm that heals all the gaping raw wounds from my yucky, icky junk that I've been repressing... just waiting for it to rear it's ugly head again. NO MORE! I have been purified, sanctified... and the Holy Spirit dropped a whole load of 'Liquid "Holy Spirit" Draino' down my pipes and flushed me out. Praise God!

CAN I GET A WITNESS?!?!? (thanks for that little line, Faith!)

So, do you remember the Beth Moore quote I put in my Living Beyond Yourself post last week about living in victory? No? Well, here it is... just to refresh your memories...

Living in the Spirit is all about living in victory on this planet, in our bare feet, on the hot pavement of living!

And now that I've been flushed... and have total infilling of the Spirit ... I can do just that... live in Victory ... in my bare feet, on the gooey, hot, sticky pavement of living, and I know... that I can go to him DAILY and ask him to remove my junk and purify me. It will get easier as the days go by.

And, won't my husband be ever so relieved! ;-)