I'm feeling stormy today... Sort of

You know those blogs (and I apologize if yours is one of them) that list what mood the person is in? Sunny, Stormy, etc.... Well, those usually irritate me. I cant really say why, but sometimes I look at that description next to the word "MOOD:" and I think to myself... "Ehhh ... who cares?"

Well, by now, I'm sure you've gathered that I'm in "a mood" today. And yeah ... it's pretty stormy! And men -- before you go any further -- be warned that this is a girlie post with female "stuff" in it ... so run away now ... or don't whine, because I'll say I told you so!

For the past few months, I've been having "break through bleeding." This is common with women taking the birth control pill (no lectures, please ... I take it for medical reasons ... obviously not to prevent pregnancy since I am a recovering infertile!). Break through bleeding is normal, and will often resolve itself -- but if it doesn't -- then it is usually a simple matter of switching to another pill with either higher estrogen or higher progesteron content.

Any men with me still? Because I did warn you ... Also, ladies ... if you don't like getting personal, you too may want to move on too!

In February, I started spotting at the end of the month. In March, it was heavier in the beginning of the month, light in the end of the month, in April, light in the beginning of the month, and then ... this past weekend ... Satan slammed me! I had horrible lower back pain, abdominal pain, heavy spotting, light spotting, no spotting, etc. I have felt light headed for the past month and a half, and quite exhausted, at times, going to bed right after my son (at 8:00!).

So I finally made an appointment with my OBGYN. When I arrived, he looked at me and asked me, "what do YOU think is happening?"

"Well," I said, "My common sense tells me I probably have a cyst on my ovary. But ... if I didn't know better, I'd say I was having another miscarriage, but I know that's not possible, because I've been on the birth control pill since November." [ha, ha ... I was joking around with him ... a good thing to do with your OBGYN while being examined, right?]

So he examines me. And looks at me and says ... "I don't feel any cysts, but your uterus in slightly enlarged and mushy."

And I, ever so articulate, just looked at him and said, "Huh? What does that mean?" He replied, "This is common with women right after they have a baby."

Now, I look at him, and say (with a slightly raised voice), "But, that was 7 months ago!" And calmly, gently, he says to me, "I want to draw some blood and take some tests. Now, I don't want to freak you out... it's probably nothing. But I'm going to order a pregnancy test. It could be a miscarriage, it could be a cyst, or it could be something else."

"WHAT?!" Uh, yeah ... he had to peel me off the ceiling. "How is that possible? I have been on the birth control pill!" He asked a few more questions, and I informed him that I had been sick in February and had taken an antibiotic. "Well, GiBee, you know that many times, an antibiotic can render the pill ineffective, but like I said, it's probably nothing. It's probably a small cyst that I can't see. We'll call you later in the week to let you know what the test says. Also, I want you to go for a mamogram."

NOW I'm starting to freak. I'm only 38. I say to him, "I thought I had a few more years until I had to do that!" And, calmly, he replies... "I know, but I want to get a baseline for you. But, don't worry, I didn't see anything that alarmed me or caused concern. But, your [paternal] grandmother had breast cancer, and I want to get a head start on your mamograms." (I don't even know what a baseline is in mamogram talk ... all I know is ... it's gonna hurt. And it's not gonna be fun, people! Sheesh, and I worry about flat hair ... there are many other things I would prefer NOT be flat!)

Then, when I went out to the nurses station to collect my paper work, I saw the ticket for the blood work. There were a lot of things checked, and I didn't understand any of them. And I said, "Is this for my blood work?" (Obviously, YES, because my name was on it) He casually leaned over, then picked up the paper, laid it on top of my chart, placed his hand over it and said, "yes, I'll make sure it gets with your vials of blood."

I wonder if he realizes how much he really DID, in fact, FREAK ME OUT!

Now, I just taught at the women's retreat about fear, worries, and laying them down at God's feet and walking away from them. About trusting the Shepherd's Heart ... Something I personally struggled to do the entire time I battled with infertility, up until the very last month before I got pregnant when I finally gave it all to God.

And here I am again! Worried. Anxious. And performing Dr. Google searches and self diagnosing. And what I'm finding is unsettling. It's the "C WORD" -- Uterine Cancer. Cervical Cancer. Ovarian Cancer. And ... Breast Cancer. Practically every woman's fears!!!

Sure ... in the back of my head are my doctor's reassurances that all is well ... this is common ... it's probably nothing ... don't freak out ... But in the forefront of my head I'm thinking ... something is wrong ... I'm "enlarged" ... and not just in my stomach, hips and butt where I expect to see middle age spreading and enlarging ... but I'm enlarged inside ... that can't be good!

Now ... what is it I have to do with my worries? Lay them where? How? Why?

*Insert BIG Sigh here* Many times in my life I've had worries. And I've carried them around. And, MAN! They can get heavy and exhausting. So, isn't it time I take a bit of my own advice? Learn from past experiences? In fact, when I laid my worries at Christ's feet and walked away from them, he swept them away from my heart, and actually removed my fears from my mind. I mentioned briefly yesterday about doing just this and I thought I'd give you a bit more background on that expression.

A dear friend of our family used to live in this area, but ironically, has moved to Oklahoma, and is probably the only person in that state that doesn't blog! Any way, she is a breast cancer survivor, and she shared a wonderful, wonderful analogy, and basically, with a few embellishments on my part, here it is: she said we tend to carry our worries, fears, anxieties around in a suitcase (baggage ... get it?). Sunday morning, we lug our heavy suitcase to the altar, pop it open, and all or our life's "messy things" in our overstuffed suitcase pop out ... we pray, pray, pray -- asking God to take our "issues" -- and then -- we neatly stuff (or maybe cram in some instances) all our issues back into the suitcase, and lug it back to our seat with us. Then, when we leave church, we take our suitcase with us and carry it around every waking minute, all week long. Protecting them. Obsessing over them. Sharing them with others, but not letting go of them.

Oh, yeah. I can see that. Can you?

Instead, we should be taking the suitcase to God, opening it up, dumping it at God's feet saying, "Here God ... this is all my stuff ... take it from me" (okay, maybe a little more politely) and then WALK AWAY. With OUT the suitcase ... 'cause, really ... you shouldn't need it any more!

So easy to preach, and in reality ... difficult to practice.

In the mean time, while I was typing this post, my husband called. I shared with him all my worries and fears. I teared up and had to stop. He immediately started to pray for me and encouraged me not to worry until we have something to worry about. Smart man!

Okay -- *big, BIG SIGH* No more searches on Google. No more obsessing. I'm turning all my worries to the Lord, and I'm walking away.

So, I started this post feeling stormy and frightened. Now, a mere HOUR later, I'm just cloudy and partly sunny.

Ps. 57:1:

"Be good to me, God--and now! I've run to you for dear life. I'm hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over."

(The Message)

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."

(NIV)