Tuesday, February 06, 2007

It is no more.

Sometimes I wish I could take back what I say. Like my last post.

I just found out yesterday that we lost the baby. We went in for a third sonogram, and we saw nothing. Just last week we saw a baby with a heartbeat, but yesterday, nothing. The blood work came back with levels at 140. Not 3 gazillion, as it should have been.

It was a very difficult day for me. One filled with a variety of emotions, leading to a roller coaster ride of tears, heartbreak, love, laughter, sorrow. Tears, heartbreak and sorrow for the loss of this life that was once in me, and love and laughter for my son, who is such a blessed distraction right now.

Last week, I went to the doctor for a sonogram. I was spotting very lightly (which had started only that morning), but we saw the sac, the baby, the heart beat. The heart beat. It filled my heart with such joy and comfort. And within one hour, I started to bleed very heavily, with pain. I called my husband in a panic. Then my doctor, who asked me to come back in for another sonogram. We saw what appeared to be a tear ... in the placenta, I think. But we also saw the sac, the baby, and again, the heart beat. My fears were calmed. I was placed on bed rest and told not to worry, because women bleed all the time during pregnancy. Our church and family began sending up prayers. I made another appointment for yesterday.

Just this weekend, we had decided on names for the baby.

If it was a boy, he would be Preston Thomas. Actually, we were still working on the middle name, because Thomas is Hunter's middle name, but it's my dad's too, and we love it, and would have used it again. Preston means "dweller at the church" and Thomas was one of the 12 apostles known as "doubting Thomas" and had an unusual mixture of pessimism and zealous faith. Preston was also my husband's grandfather's name. Very southern, and very strong, too. We love it. And, although my husband's grandfather passed away while he was very young, we have heard many stories of how they were very, very close.

If it was a girl, she would have been Abigail. We were still deciding on her middle name, too ... but were leaning strongly towards Abigail Grace. The Hebrew meaning of Abigail is "A Father's joy." Abigail was also King David's 3rd wife, his most beloved, and most beautiful wife. And Grace means "favor, blessing. A virtue name referring to God's grace." My sister-in-law suggested that we could nick-name her Abbie-Grace, and I fell in love with it.

Each time I would sleep, I would dream of our two kids playing in the back yard, climbing trees, throwing the foot ball or kicking a soccer ball, playing red rover, and red light green light, playing tricks on each other, and hiding from each other.

Yesterday, though, those dreams ended. I felt such a swell of emotion and sorrow because my son may never know what its like to have a sibling that you can love so much, yet fight and bicker with, and turn around and beat up the person that dares to make fun of them. Not that I would encourage violence ... but ... well, you know.

I spent the morning and early afternoon crying my broken heart out, not wanting to talk to anyone, or see anyone other than my husband. In fact, not wanting to be more than an arms-length away from him. Then, after my in-laws dropped Hunter off from day care, I spent the afternoon and early evening laughing at his antics, his goofy behavior, his dancing and frolicking around and gesturing wildly with his arms while babbling as if he had something important to say and we needed to hear it. He eased the hurt in my heart, and Jesus affirmed in my heart what a miracle this precious little boy really is to us. I fell even more in love with him, if that's possible.

And late at night, once everyone fell asleep, I again found myself crying my heart out, thinking of what could have been. My husband woke up and tried to comfort me, but each time I closed my eyes, all I saw was the sonogram monitor with nothing on it. No sac. No baby. No heart beat. I finally went into the other room so I could read and wait until I was so exhausted that my eyes barely held open on their own, and as I walked back to my bed, I prayed that God would grant me a dreamless night. He did. But very early this morning, after my husband left to go to work, I found myself crying again. Even in my own pain, I can not fathom the pain a parent feels when they loose a child they have held in their arms, one they have nursed, played with, laughed with, and made plans for. My heart is filled with pain for each one of you.

I praise God for a strong, Godly husband. He loves me, he loves Hunter, and he is fiercely protective. I know he is hurting, too, but despite the pain I saw in his eyes yesterday, he did all he could to comfort me, and to protect me and just "be there" for me. He is my knight in shining armor!

I know in my heart that our child is in heaven, and that our Father has welcomed him or her into his loving arms, and watches over him or her as they play with their other brothers and sisters that have gone to heaven. But, it hurts, because I saw the heart beat. I connected. It was not "clinical," but rather, it was real. And I wanted that child in my own arms. But Christ knows the plans he has for our family. Plans to prosper us, and not harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future. So for now, as I muddle my way through this place I'm in, I turn my heart to Christ, with the full knowledge that he will see me through, he will heal my heart, and I will move on. He has the blueprint plan for our little family in the palm of his hands. He is all knowing, gracious, and loving. He is the balm to my brokenness, the soother of my sad soul. He will bring me joy and grace once again. He will. He is. And that's what I hold onto. Him.

He will carry me through.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

56 comments:

Lori said...

GiBee, you are in my prayers this early morning.

Jeana said...

Oh, I am so sorry! I can't imagine...I'm praying for you too. I'm so glad you have your two men to comfort you.

crygibb said...

so sorry for your loss. You ar ein my prayers today.

Lyndy said...

You are most certainly in my prayers. Hold your little one close and lean on your strong husband. God will see you through.

Big Hugs, Lyndy

Barbara H. said...

I am so sorry....I'm so glad to hear of the Lord's comfort and I know He will continue to sustain you, but I know it will hurt for a long time.

Praying for you....

Jessica said...

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -- John 16:33

I am praying for you and your family during this difficult time. God will be your comfort.

aggiejenn said...

I'm so sorry, GiBee. I'm praying for you, my friend.

Peach said...

Oh precious, GiBee, I am so, so sorry! I will be holding you before the throne throughout the next days as God prompts me to pray.

May you find rest and take care of you as you grieve and process this shattered dream.

Love you, friend.

Rocks In My Dryer said...

Oh, sweet GiBee...I'm sitting here crying as I write this. I've miscarried twice, and I understand that wild rollercoaster. Call or e-mail me if you feel like talking. Love you, friend.

Malissa said...

I am sorry for your loss.
I will pray for you today.

Everyday Mommy said...

Words fail...I'm so deeply, deeply sorry.

Baleboosteh said...

I am so truly sorry.

kelly jeanie said...

Gibee, I'm so sorry. Praying for you.

4andcounting said...

I am praying for you and your family as you mourn your loss. May your faith bring you moments of comfort in the midst of your pain.

jan said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you, that our Lord will send the Comforter, His Holy Spirit, to enfold you.

Shalee said...

GiBee - you are at the forefront of my mind and in my prayers. Cry, vent, love on your men. And please let others love on you too. It may be through others that He will carry you through.

I really wish that I could fly out there to give you a hug right now. Love you, dear friend.

Theresa said...

Prayers and (((hugs)))!

kpjara said...

Oh GiBee...my heart is absolutely breaking in two for you.

I pray God would wrap you in His arms and give you absolute renewal and place in your heart the assurance you will once again be with this child in Heaven.

Words just don't do it my sweet friend...

Beth said...

Oh, sweetie. Been there. The saddest, most empty moment of my life. He will provide and comfort. Big hugs and lots of prayers...

Anonymous said...

I've walked in your shoes and I know your pain. I'm so glad you got to see the heartbeat and know that it was a real baby. Too many people try to talk moms out of the sorrow of a miscarriage by saying at least .... But we know better.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
praying for his "perfect peace" in this time.
Jill from Omaha

Heather Smith said...

I am praying for you, GiBee.

Ami said...

No words suffice, but I am truly sorry!

Mike said...

I'm so sorry to read that. Be strong and keep the faith.


Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/

Stacey said...

Gibee, I am so sorry to hear this news. You and your family are in my prayers! I can't imagine what you're feeling and I won't pretend to. I'm just going to pray!!

chilihead said...

I have no words except 'I'm so very sorry'. They seem woefully inadequate. I hold you in my heart.

Keep your boys close.

LvlyRita said...

Gi~ I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I understand. And I'm praying for you. Love you. Rita

Cmommy said...

GiBee, I am so sorry for your pain and the loss of holding this child here. You WILL hold this child. And, on that 'day', there will be no tears...just everlasting joy.

I have seen an ultrasound screen with a missing heartbeat. You are in my prayers {{{}}}Chrissy
(singalullaby.typepad)

Peach said...

You are still ever-present on my heart, so my last prayer of this day will be for you, precious daughter of the King! May He hold you in His arms and give you rest this night.

Love you!

Jada said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Keep leaning on Him.

Prayers,
~Jada

Blessed Beyond Measure said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but thankful you shared with all of us; otherwise we couldnt be praying for you. Praying for comfort, peace, a sense of His presence. xoxoxo

org junkie said...

Oh Gibee, I'm so so sorry. I know how you longed for this baby. May God provide the comfort and peace you need at this time.
Laura

Holymama! said...

gibee, i'm so sorry. praying.

Qtpies7 said...

I'm so sorry. I know the pain of wanting a child so badly, and waiting and hoping and praying that the doctors are wrong and God can show them that He is the giver of life. But I lost my little baby. I won't ever forget that pregnancy, and I will never forget the love of God during that time, or the lessons God taught me. I now know the pain of a mother losing her child and I also am ever more thankful for my living children. I wish I could have my precious child in my arms, but I don't ever want to lose the lessons I gained through my loss.
God is good! I was soon pregnant again, and I love my little Cody so much, and I would not have him if that child had lived.

MamaS said...

I, too, am very sorry for your loss. Many of us have been through this same devastation, and we move on...but my heart still breaks every time I hear of another Mother who loses her child. I am thinking of you.

Susanne said...

Gibee, I'm so sorry! I understand your emotional ride! I've been there too! Wish I could just come and hug you for a while, but know I am praying for you and your hubby right now. Love to you, friend!

Cyndi said...

Just wanted you to know I just said a prayer for you. {{{hug}}}

Katrina said...

I'm so very sorry, GiBee. Please know you'll be in my prayers as well.

Chappyswife said...

Ah, GiBee, I am so very very sorry. I pray God will hold you and keep you during this dark time.

momrn2 said...

My sweet, sweet dear friend, I am left speechless at your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts, my heart, and in my prayers.

Praying, Praying, Praying...

Barbie said...

I am soo sorry for your loss. May the Lord of all comfort give your peace as you heal!

sarahdodson said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. What an awesome testimony of clinging to Christ in the midst of your pain. I don't know the kind of pain you know, but my heart hurts for you. May God bless you with great peace and comfort today and in the days to come.
love,
sarah

Erna said...

Having lost a few of my own little ones I could relate to your post. However, I know we all experience things differently. I will be praying for you as you come to mind during this time.

Barb said...

I'm so sorry for all of you. It must seem unbearable. You and your knight in shining armor are in my prayers.

Tammy said...

Oh, I'm so, so sorry!

I lost a pregnancy inbetween my two girls, and I understand some of the feelings you're going through.

I'll be praying for you this week!

Linds said...

I am so sorry. Lots of love and prayers for you and your husband.

Laurel Wreath said...

No words just a big hug. My sister went through the same thing. ((((hugs)))

Carol said...

I know the feeling all too well. And the helplessness that sends you running into the Sovereign's arms.

Becky said...

I am very sorry for your loss. I will most definitely pray for you, too. I came to find you via momrn2.

Linda said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss GiBee. You have written so eloquently all that is in your heart. I pray the Lord will just enfold you in His great arms of love and comfort you as only He can. His tears are mingled with yours.

Crystal said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never lost a child, but I morn often for the ones I want so badly but haven't been blessed with yet.

I found you on thechristianwoman.com

May God bless you and shower His peace upon you.

Sheri said...

I am so so sorry! You'll be in my prayers.

JD said...

GiBee, I'm so sorry. I'm walking the path of healing from a miscarriage, too. I shed tears with you while reading this. You're in my prayers.

CountryAtHeart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CountryAtHeart said...

I'm so sorry, I will pray.

Heather said...

Oh sweetheart. I'm so so so sorry. I will pray for your family, too. It was this time last year that I lost my little one, who would also have been named Abigail. God bless you and your family. My heart is with you.

Julie said...

Hey GiBee,

I sympathize with you as I have recently had a similar experience. He/She would have been our first. I am continuing on with faith and hope that God can do all things. I will be praying for you!

Julie