Wednesday, May 07, 2008

What DOESN'T Work For Me: Homemade Bread

UPDATED TO ADD: I just realized that my husband will KILL me when he realizes how much money I wasted on my hair-brained experiment. Especially since I told y'all first, and not him. Sorry, honey... I choked good and hard too when I added it all up from the receipt... hope that helps calm you down! Love you! Make the girl happy!! (inside joke y'all)

Thanks to Shannon from Rocks in my Dryer for hosting the weekly Works for me Wednesday Carnival. This week, she's hosting "What DOESN'T Work for Me"! Head on over for a lot of useful tips and stuff to stay away from!

I'd like to say that no human was injured for the purpose of this post ... but our stomachs would argue. Loudly. So, for this blogging chick ... making homemade bread without a bread making machine SERIOUSLY does NOT work for me for the following reasons:

Reason number 5: I spent a whopping $12.77 on organic wheat, gluten (which wasn't easy to find), yeast, etc. oh, YES I DID. TWELVE DOLLARS AND SEVENTY SEVEN CENTS. It took me FOREVER to find the gluten -- almost two weeks. I had to search high and low in numerous stores. The total does not include my pain and suffering. I'm suing the maker of the bread for that. Oh, wait. That was me. Never mind.

Reason number four: The dough did not yield as much as the directions claimed after I let it raise. And ... when I put it in the oven, the top raised high -- very nicely, in fact -- then dropped back down like a bomb went of in it, leaving a hole in the middle -- as if it were a souffle. See picture for a nice visual.

Reason number 3: The finished product was so chewy and rubbery that it vaguely resembled was exactly like chewing on a sea sponge (I think it was the gluten that made it so chewy and spongy, but the recipe called for it!). It was so gross that my husband took one bite, chewed slowly, then proceeded to spit it out in his hand. At the table. Then, he threw the whole piece of bread away. And I followed him with the remaining loaf. Don't worry -- there's no picture so you can visualize it in your mind's eye. Suffice it to say... it was DEEEEES-GUSTING.

Reason number 2: I wasted my "homegrown" organic honey on this stuff. My friend gave me that honey, and it's like a precious commodity! The recipe called for 1/3 cup, and I now consider it 1/3 cup of gold that went down the drain. Or in the trash. Whatever.

And the number ONE reason why I won't make homemade bread anymore (without the aid of pre-frozen dough or a bread machine)... I can buy bread just as good at the market or the Amish market, or even the local Mennonite bakery for $2.50. Enough said.

With a full-time job (at LEAST 40 hours per week, sometimes WAY more), a husband, an active toddler, a home to clean, laundry to be washed, stuff to be sorted and un-cluttered and un-piled ... this chicky does NOT have time to find the "right recipe" for me and my family, nor do I have the time for trial and error.

Now ... if you'd like to make a delicious homemade loaf for me ... I'll take it. I'm not THAT dumb!!!


Pam said...

Bless your heart, sweet friend. I am right there with you as far as leaving those types of tasks to the professionals who can do a far better job than I ever can.

I'm so sorry about the organic honey. I know that stuff is liquid gold, and what a way to lose it.

That's why I want my bread maker back, especially for good pizza crust for the rest of my family . . . since I can't eat any of it anyway.

Rocks In My Dryer said...

I love you, GiBee, but that is some SCARY lookin' bread.

Susanne said...

A bread maker I am not either, so I feel your pain, Dear. But may I seriously have a giggle at that sad, sorry looking lump of bread?

michelle said...

I'm sorry your loaf didn't turn out exactly as planned. I must admit, you went further than I ever have. Making homemade bread just seems like so much work to me. That was until I came across the whole concept of No-Knead Bread. My family really likes this. While it takes some plannign to get it started, it takes next to no effort and pennies worth of ingredients. When you are feeling brave again, perhaps you could give it a try.

There is also a website called where the owner, Marilyn Moll has articles, etc. "counselling" people on making their own homemade breads and other healthy items. She has an excellent e-book that can be downloaded her (you can see the download towards the bottom of the article). The book contains a number of homemade bread recipes, but the best part of the book is her Beef Burgundy Simplified recipe. It is one of the most fabulous meals I make.


Anonymous said...

Aww...don't take it so hard. It took me probably TEN loaves of bread before it came out right. Even when I switched to a bread machine some of my loaves turned out wrong. Sometimes it just takes trial and error, plus lots of practice. It's not for everyone.

I wish I could buy some Amish bread...sigh...

Genny said...

What an adventure! The pictures were hilarious! I've added you to my Technorati favorites.

Shalee said...

I was doing just fine until I saw your pictures. Then I had to laugh out loud. With you, not at you of course!

Melodie Monberg said...

The pictures are great! I had to laugh outloud. I occasionally make bread but find it to be much more work than it's worth most of the time!


Kim Heinecke said...

Oh so sorry about your experiment. I'm sure Caroline Ingalls really couldn't have done it either, despite the propaganda we've always believed!

Bakery...and a pretty little basket of your own...real butter and a serrated knife. Throw some flour on your shoulder and dab a little on your cheek. Viola! homemade bread.

Lovely Rita said...

I had a good chuckle from your bread pictures. Totally been there! Except mine was so hard I turned it into the most time-consuming, laborious bread pudding (which Hubby actually likes, don't ask me why).

Tammy and Parker said...

Oh. Wow.

I've made bread, rolls, etc. for years. But it does take a minute to get the feel for it.

I make up to 10 loaves at a time.

But you know what? I don't use gluten.

And I guess this isn't the time for me to tell you that I grind my own wheat, too. huh?


Overwhelmed! said...

I used to make homemade bread once a month, before I became a mom. Now I don't have the time. But when I did make it, it was so worth the time and money involved to do so! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

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