What DOESN'T Work For Me: Homemade Bread

UPDATED TO ADD: I just realized that my husband will KILL me when he realizes how much money I wasted on my hair-brained experiment. Especially since I told y'all first, and not him. Sorry, honey... I choked good and hard too when I added it all up from the receipt... hope that helps calm you down! Love you! Make the girl happy!! (inside joke y'all)


Thanks to Shannon from Rocks in my Dryer for hosting the weekly Works for me Wednesday Carnival. This week, she's hosting "What DOESN'T Work for Me"! Head on over for a lot of useful tips and stuff to stay away from!

I'd like to say that no human was injured for the purpose of this post ... but our stomachs would argue. Loudly. So, for this blogging chick ... making homemade bread without a bread making machine SERIOUSLY does NOT work for me for the following reasons:

Reason number 5: I spent a whopping $12.77 on organic wheat, gluten (which wasn't easy to find), yeast, etc. oh, YES I DID. TWELVE DOLLARS AND SEVENTY SEVEN CENTS. It took me FOREVER to find the gluten -- almost two weeks. I had to search high and low in numerous stores. The total does not include my pain and suffering. I'm suing the maker of the bread for that. Oh, wait. That was me. Never mind.

Reason number four: The dough did not yield as much as the directions claimed after I let it raise. And ... when I put it in the oven, the top raised high -- very nicely, in fact -- then dropped back down like a bomb went of in it, leaving a hole in the middle -- as if it were a souffle. See picture for a nice visual.

Reason number 3: The finished product was so chewy and rubbery that it vaguely resembled was exactly like chewing on a sea sponge (I think it was the gluten that made it so chewy and spongy, but the recipe called for it!). It was so gross that my husband took one bite, chewed slowly, then proceeded to spit it out in his hand. At the table. Then, he threw the whole piece of bread away. And I followed him with the remaining loaf. Don't worry -- there's no picture so you can visualize it in your mind's eye. Suffice it to say... it was DEEEEES-GUSTING.

Reason number 2: I wasted my "homegrown" organic honey on this stuff. My friend gave me that honey, and it's like a precious commodity! The recipe called for 1/3 cup, and I now consider it 1/3 cup of gold that went down the drain. Or in the trash. Whatever.

And the number ONE reason why I won't make homemade bread anymore (without the aid of pre-frozen dough or a bread machine)... I can buy bread just as good at the market or the Amish market, or even the local Mennonite bakery for $2.50. Enough said.

With a full-time job (at LEAST 40 hours per week, sometimes WAY more), a husband, an active toddler, a home to clean, laundry to be washed, stuff to be sorted and un-cluttered and un-piled ... this chicky does NOT have time to find the "right recipe" for me and my family, nor do I have the time for trial and error.

Now ... if you'd like to make a delicious homemade loaf for me ... I'll take it. I'm not THAT dumb!!!